Star Trek, the review
The Problem - Jay Leno and the other comedians can’t resist calling Trekkers and Trekkists “trekkies” and suggesting that all Trekkers live in their parents’ basement and are virgins. This is actually truer of Star Wars fans but never mind that Trekkists have children, mortgages, and jobs. I know of Trekkers who are corporate executives and celebrities. This franchise will never get the respect of say Batman or Harry Potter until Trekkists get revenge. Get a copy of the Loompanics catalog and buy some books on revenge. Make the comedians pay for using you as the butt of their jokes. They don’t pick on Babylon 5, Stargate, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, Spiderman, Lord of the Rings, Elvis, or any other fandom but Star Trek. Make them pay.
Snacking - Skip the popcorn. While you are crunching you will miss a lot of dialogue and have to see the movie twice. If you are cheap and don’t want to pay twice, stick to quiet snacks like chocolate-covered raisins.
Special Effects - sound effects great but I’ve seen much better visual effects
Aliens - Where are the Andorians (blue-skin, antennae, family-oriented)? Where are the Tholians (hyper-punctual crystalline beings)? On the plus side, Uhura’s academy roommate is a green animal woman (or girl in this case) which is a species we’ve seen in the original TV series as well as Scott Bakula’s “Enterprise”. We’ve seen white Vulcans and we’ve seen black Vulcans in Voyager. When are we going to see Oriental Vulcans? Way overdue. One species we need to see extinct is Romulans. It was Romulans who sank the franchise in Star Trek X: Nemesis. Why would JJ Abrams bring them back to sink it again?
Genre - I hate space cowboys. I hate space opera. I hate Saturday morning kid vid space cadets. But I liked these space cadets.
Age - In the movie, teenagers are drafted out of the Academy and pressed into service before they are ready. I’m guesstimating that all but five percent get killed as they come out of warp around a planet in their various newly built and newly destroyed starships. In the next movie, are the demographics going to shift back to middle aged people in their forties and fifties? The fleet that was somewhere else when a key Federation planet was being attacked will be back. Or, will Abrams take the demographics even lower and put some preteens in Starfleet uniforms and aboard starships? I hope so. I hated the space cadets in The Wrath of Khan. I hated the Wrath of Khan period and don’t mind insulting those who liked that installment. But in Abrams’ hands, space cadets are a very welcome commodity.
The Model of Success - Yes, I know that JJ Abrams takes Wrath of Khan as his What-Would-Roddenberry-Do Bible. Of all the Star Trek movies, TMP The Motion Picture still reigns as top moneymaker not Wrath of Khan. I just checked the list of all time box office champs and no Star Wars installment is in the top three. Titanic, The Dark Knight, and Shrek are the top three domestic gross. The message is not to make Star Trek stupid like Star Wars. Rather, make it big and inject some humor. You say: “But Titanic was a one-shot not a franchise.” I say Batman and Shrek are franchises. Enough said.
Uniforms - It took them over thirty years to figure out that unisex scares off crowds. And Abrams goes timid with miniskirts. The original had microminis. How much you want to bet that the skirts are either gone in the next movie or the hemlines drop to the floor? In the real world in China, the minute Mao was dead; women in China started wearing dresses again. In the real corporate world, female CEO’s wear skirts. Pantsuits and jeans are for the women at the bottom of the corporate ladder. That’s a fact. Maggie Thatcher, the Iron Lady of Britain did not wear pants. And a skirt will never sit in the captain’s chair of a starship for more than a second of screen time in the Star Trek universe. I hope I am wrong.
Sets - Apparently they used oil refineries and petrochemical plants as sets. The only set that I bought as real was the Starfleet Academy campus. I took one glance and bought it instantly. They probably used a real college campus. Everything else looked phony. The bridge of the Enterprise did have some touches that were a pleasant reminder of the USS Excelsior (the best looking ship in the Star Trek universe) from Star Trek III. The engineering sections had grimy steel girders that you could run into by accident and get a concussion and exposed cement and concrete. Cement and concrete aboard a space ship? Whatever subcontractor is responsible for this mess should be sued and Paramount should get its money back. If you want comfort, you better get assigned to the USS Excelsior or that luxury liner Picard had called Enterprise-D. From what I saw the starships probably had rats and roaches. This is supposed to be the future?
Industrial Light and Magic (ILM) - Years ago when Paramount first engaged them to do effects for the Star Trek franchise, I saw the handwriting on the wall which spelled doom for the franchise. In case you don’t know, ILM is owned by Star Wars creator George Lucas. ILM was never going to make Star Trek look better than Star Wars. It is illogical that they would do so even being professionals. Besides sub-par optical effects, Scotty had a sidekick that made me wonder if we can expect wall-to-wall Ewoks, E.T., and tribbles. The trouble with tribbles is that they are funny for about one second before they start getting on your nerves. Don’t piss off the audience. You’re trying to get people into the theatre not scare them off on rumors of crap-a-thon. After sitting through over-hyped and under-performing special effects for two hours, the end credits were the coup de disgrace. Colored balls passing for various planets and moons over Alexander Courage’s original theme music. Fire ILM! Before they ram the franchise into the ground. Kick them to the curb. Hire Digital Domain (the originators of morphing techniques in The Abyss) and WETA (of Lord of the Rings fame). Anybody but ILM. Please.
Sexy Writing - Hire Joss Whedon and Eliza Dushku. These are people who understand sexy. Dollhouse, despite its dismal ratings, is proof. Abrams might want to take a look at that overlooked TV series “Enterprise” starring Scott Bakula. I seldom bothered to watch it because of my work schedule but when I did manage to find it (they must have moved its night and time around) I was pleasantly shocked by how steamy it got! I heard one reviewer describe JJ Abrams’ Star Trek as the most adult Trek yet. I can’t top that description.
The Producer - JJ Abrams is the first producer of Star Trek who seems to understand the concept of a multi-year story arc and answering unanswered questions. His series Lost is proof of the arc and he promises to tie up everything in season seven. With Star Trek One to Ten, Paramount could not decide on whether it wanted standalone movies or sequels. People lie to pollsters and opinion researchers and tell them that they want stand-alones but it is interconnected sequels like Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean that they line up to see. I don’t think Paramount picked JJ Abrams by accident. JJ Abrams is precisely the producer who could make good use of Trek canon if he bothered to sit down and watch all 78 episodes of the original series. Make the next movie younger, even sexier, more character-driven, and much faster.
If the reboot is a flop - What producer will replace Abrams? Number one pick would be James Cameron. His box office speaks for itself. Tied for second place are Christopher Nolan and Sam Raimi. If we can’t get Cameron, then my favorite is Nolan who is probably too tied up with the Batman franchise to split his attention but it is worth knocking on his door. We know Cameron can do optimism because he did The Abyss but can Dark Knight Nolan do Star Trek optimism? It would be interesting to find out. Sam Raimi knows how to appeal to all four quadrants: older males, older females, younger males, and younger females. I can’t think of anyone else in show business with that credential. Why not just stack the deck and hire all of the above as a dream team?
Parents - We get to see Kirk’s parents and Spock’s parents (Sarek and Amanda). We even get to see Kirk and Spock as children. The animated Star Trek showed Spock as a child and Star Trek 5 showed McCoy’s father but as an old man. In this movie we get to see the parents mentioned when they were young. Will we ever see the parents of Scotty, Sulu, Uhura and Chekov? Chekov’s parents must be in their early thirties or even younger. We’ve seen Iowa and we’ve seen Vulcan but we have never seen the homes and hometowns of Chekov, Uhura, and Scotty. Sulu is supposed to be from San Francisco and we see that city in the movie though not Sulu’s home. There is one parent that, regrettably, we will never see.
Inside Stuff - If you are into the Vulcan sub-fandom and the Kraith Quest, this movie will infuriate you unless you have achieved Kolinahr and that is my point. There will be no more logic in the Star Trek universe. From here on out, it is pure human irrationality.
Romance - You’d expect Kirk to hop from bed to bed if the original flavor of the original series is being brought back. And, in fact, Kirk does hop into and out of bed. But the surprise is a romance that I don’t see lasting because of plot lines, Starfleet regulations, the reality of Hollywood, the fickleness of Abrams (I’ve seen how he makes love triangles and quadrangles in Lost), and a host of other reasons including a word that I can’t use because it will spoil the surprise if you haven’t seen the movie yet. And it is a shame because you emotionally invest in the two characters and wish somehow they could stay together and get married. Sigh.
Resemblance - All of the new actors pass the general resemblance test to the original cast members but specific resemblance is another matter. Walter Koenig had a fuller face than Yelchin and Cho is not as thin as George Takei was, and Saldana looks nothing like Nichelle Nichols. Having said that, Cho earns his spot on the cast and I hope to see all seven (Cho, Pegg, Pine, Quinto, Saldana, Urban, and Yelchin) back in the next movie.
Acting - I liked them all. I am afraid to say which cast member really impressed me for fear that Abrams might fire them and kill off their character.
Character Development - From the sneak peak previews and early part of the actual movie, it really looked like, oh groan, that JJ Abrams was going to piss off the two largest demographics in the fan base (thereby scuttling the franchise) and use a beloved character as a thing. Sigh of relief. Writers Orci and Kurtzman do the opposite, the unexpected, and it stops being offensive after one second when you think: “Heck, why not?”
Casting - Not enough females. Let’s get the gender ratio up to fifty-fifty. Where are the Native Americans, the Hispanics, and the Indians from India? And don’t let Sulu be the only Asian.
Heterosexuality - Heterosexuality is rare in science fiction but the original TV series was an exception. I hope we are not sentenced to a G-rated Star Trek forever. I’d pay good money to see an R-rated (or even X-rated) Star Trek movie. It’s unlikely to ever happen but one can hope and wish. You can get violence on broadcast TV. But kids sneak into movies to see something else.
Sexism - As a woman, D.C. Fontana was the feminine presence on the staff of the original Star Trek. I see no prominent women on the staff of this reboot. The other beef is that to sit in the captain’s chair a woman has to turn herself into a man and even wear men’s clothing. They even called Saavik “Mister” not Mizz. On Voyager, Captain Janeway would have none of that nonsense and I think it was the premiere or second episode that Janeway told a crew member to address her as “ma’am” and not “sir.” My beef with Kate Mulgrew as the first regular female captain is did she have to be so masculine and deep-voiced? Is there something so deep in Trek culture that a petite female (like Genevieve Bujold or Roxann Biggs-Dawson) or a skinny young female (like Zoë Saldana, the new Uhura) will never make captain — at least not while she’s wearing a skirt? Unlike in real life where there are female CEO’s and governors and prime ministers. Some of them even have supermodel good looks. I have no problem with females in subordinate roles and supportive roles as either “love interests” or as wives. But come on; give us a shot at the big chair. And don’t assume that we are afraid of combat. We have trigger fingers too. In the New Avengers, Joanna Lumley as Purdey kicked ass while wearing a dress! She didn’t have to stop being a woman to do her job.
Action - Granted, females don’t tend to engage in slugfests and fisticuffs but there are these inventions called martial arts, knives, and guns which tend to put men and women on an equal basis. The men do the fighting in this movie. I’m okay with women who don’t want to break a nail. But I’m taking a derringer and a switchblade to a cat fight.
Civilians - Despite its supposed optimism, Star Trek is a military universe. Civilians and taxpayers like you and me are just are extras and not really central to the story.
Body Count - Seven billion. If Abrams’ strategy is raising the body count, it won’t work long term. Sequels from Lethal Weapon through Diehard to Rambo can stack up more bodies to ever declining box office and increasing salary demands.
Regularity of Sequels - Bond movies kept an audience because at the end of each movie they would say “Bond will be back in” and then they inserted the title of the next sequel. If Abrams has written a bible or story arc for a series of movies then he should film them back to back like with the Back to the Future trilogy. If we have to wait longer than two years between movies, we’ll lose interest.
Violence - I’d like to see less violence and this movie doesn’t make you watch a captain being tortured. As galactic cops, the Federation is supposed to prevent bad stuff.
Ideas - Original Star Trek, animated, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise all had in common a lot of ideas. This movie has none.
Plot - Not original. We have seen a Klingon homeworld destroyed. In this movie, another homeworld is destroyed.
Missing Characters - Yeoman Janice Rand and Nurse Christine Chapel.
Guest Characters I’d like to See Again - That female thrall on Triskelion that Kirk promised to return for but never did. Leila the scientist who loved Spock for most of her life. Droxine the cultured woman from the Cloud City Stratos who was prepared to even work in a filthy mine to win Spock’s heart.
Future Plots - For reasons that will be obvious once you see the movie, Spock will be under intense pressure to marry a pureblooded Vulcan woman. Vulcans are the same race that rejected him as a half-breed.
Star versus Ensemble - There are indications that this reboot will be an ensemble work rather than a star vehicle for Kirk. The names are listed in alphabetical order. Healthy for the franchise.
Comic Relief - This time around, this thankless task fell to Chekov and Scotty. As long time fans know, Scotty got to do some serious drama on occasion.
Swashbuckling - Sulu all the way.
Babe Count - For guys, vital information: Star Trek continues its policy of no more than two babes present. Voyager had B’Elanna Torres and Seven of Nine. “Enterprise” had the Vulcan chick and the Asian linguist.
Longevity - I’d bet that even if this movie is a flop, it will make enough money to encourage Paramount to do more movies and maybe even another TV series though don’t hold your breath for a TV series after “Enterprise.”
The USS Enterprise - This is not an alphabetical Enterprise A-Z so don’t expect any astounding technology. Gee whiz factor is pretty low. No new gadgets or technology. The flip phones of today were inspired by Star Trek.
Where’s Q? - There was a Q in the original series named Trelane, the Squire of Gothos. And Q showed up in Next Generation, Deep Space Nine and Voyager.
Techno babble - Water going into an intermix chamber? Did Abrams even bother to do his homework? For Scotty’s sake, I’m glad he materialized in something other than hot plasma if it couldn’t be thin air.
Popularization - I’ve heard over and over again that people are supposed to grit their teeth and let Abrams do his popularization thing of making Star Trek accessible to the dummies who flunked science, literature, and every other subject. I just checked the all time box office champs and no Star Wars installment is in the top three. Titanic, The Dark Knight, and Shrek are the top three domestic gross. The message is not to make Star Trek stupid like Star Wars. Rather, make it big and inject some humor.
Future Plots - If Abrams remakes the Wrath of Khan, I’ll wait for the DVD. I won’t bother to see it at the theatre because I don’t care about Khan and his supermen anymore than I care about the Romulan from the future in this movie who can’t be bothered to check and see that his homeworld is alive and well. I do care that the Kelvan Empire’s invasion force might come looking for Rojan and his colony and that Kirk would care since he knew Kelinda the Kelvan (played by Barbara Bouchet). I care that races like the Metrons don’t want to join the Federation because they think we are too primitive. I care that Federation engineers have a stick up their butts building clunky ships in Iowa when the race that built the Fesarius in “The Corbomite Maneuver” can build ships the size of large moons and that even their tiny shuttlecraft can slap powerful tractor beams on the Enterprise and drag it like a rag doll. Incredible energy efficiency. And this species of midgets can operate their huge ships with a minimum of crew (one or two people). If they are a member of the Federation, then why does the Federation drive junk like the new Enterprise? Get some shipbuilders who know what they are doing. I also want to know why energy beings like the Organians choose to live in physical form with simple lives. I want to know to what use the Federation will put the powers of illusion that races like the Melkots or Milkotians (Trek reference books vary the spelling) have. Will the Federation use it for mind control like our government would do in 2009? Or will they find a find a way to enhance freedom? Will we have (supposedly) oversexed races like the Betazeds? I never saw any indication that Troi was much of a nymphomaniac. Will we have sexually mature races like the Deltans? This is the stuff I care about, not stories about alpha males like Captain Nero who can’t read a map or a star chart or ask for directions back to his home world.
Summary - Reading the above, you must be thinking that this critic hated Star Trek. No, I loved it. My criticisms are easily addressed ways to tweak it and make it better. Go see it. Young people will love it and old people will love it.
